I just cannot describe the mood that I currently have, and this frustration and anger most definitely comes from plush making, but also a few other things.
For one, I am slowly but surely working on finishing the plushies that I have on my to-do-list before my semester starts again, which will be next week. Currently, I am working on Yusei and Aki and expect them to be done by then.

But I am just sad and a bit furious at the same time now. Maybe even a bit furious at myself and sad because I feel lonely and like the fifth wheel everywhere I go or wish to belong to.

As for plushie works, I just cannot stand to see these now, especially when I have to think about all the misfortunes that happened with these darn plushies. Currently, three of them apparently got lost on their way to the Netherlands, should have arrived there after only 4 days at best, and have not even arrived there after 4 weeks. This on the other hands makes me wonder if there are thieves in the postal service of what the heck has gone wrong. So, I got paid for these plushies, finished my work only for it to be ruined by the postal service of Germany or the Netherlands. Thank you f*cking much!
Not only that, but I am still waiting for a payment for over eleven plushies for which I haven't even seen a penny yet. I know that the customer who wanted them has currently some money issues and I gave him some time to sort them out, but... I don't know, I feel like I have waited long enough and it has been four months already.

Also, there are of course those plushies that I am still sitting on and which do not want to go away, but for this I at least have my etsy-shop where I can display them. ( [link] ) I still can hope that someone will be the new owner of these.

What also is on my mind is that I just don't know how to approach a certain person, if I should talk to her at all, or if I would just annoy her with my presence as I often get the impression with her that I am nothing more but a fifth wheel. In March, there was a convention and I needed a place to stay overnight, so I asked her in January if I might stay at her place and she agreed. At the con, she didn't know anything about this any more and I had to find another place to stay. Granted, I know that it was mostly my fault that I haven't asked her again right before the convention or reminded her of that for she might have just forgotten it... but the way she told me to see where I can stay really hurt me and it still hurts just thinking about that. And I am so dumb that I still have given her the plushie that I made for her as a small gift, despite the rejection. All of this makes me feel a little bit like a kicked dog. Even more so when I consider that that night I came to stay overnight with complete strangers who welcomed me with open arms and with whom I didn't feel like a total outsider.
so what shall I do? Tell her how I feel? Just let this slide?

And then there is this sadness and frustration with myself and the longing to belong but to never really belong. I have gotten to know this nice group of girls from the Homestuck fandom and we sometimes meet at this chatroom; but because I cannot be online for the entire night as they manage to do, I just don't feel like I belong with them either, because I almost don't get to say a thing and only ever can read their chatlogs long after they departed. And what do they know of me? We still are just strangers, even though they are nice and we get to have a laugh sometimes at the rare occasion in which we all are online at the same time.

I don't even know if there is a reason for me to be online any more, for when I log in, all I find is spam and no one wanting to talk to me where I always thought that people know where to find me. I thought that people just know that I would like to hear from them from time to time. Or maybe this is my fault because I don't send enough messages to people either? I just want to know what I do wrong or if everyone is just to busy for anything lately.